Everyone suffers bad beats at the poker table (yep, it’s not just you) – it’s how you deal with them that could separate you from the winners
1. Chat warz
You wouldn’t have had the bad beat if you weren’t playing such a donkey. What the hell is he doing calling all-in with Ace-high when he knows you’ve obviously flopped a set? Forget about the fact that you were on your feet cheering when he called as a 5% dog. It’s time to start insulting him and his family in the chat box. He needs to feel your pain and know how bad he is at playing the game.
2. Go social
Poker is a game of luck and skill. And if you know you’ve got the skills but the cards keep going against you, you can let the world know via your Twitter or Facebook account. Make sure you do this every time it happens. In no way will this make you look really stupid.
3. Smash some expensive equipment up
No one likes the feeling you get immediately after a bad beat. By smashing your mouse against the wall you’ll feel instantly better, although we can’t guarantee this feeling will last more than five seconds. Even better, why not throw your expensive laptop out of the window? You’ll get the instant gratification plus, once your rage has subsided, you’ll have much more to think about than just busting out of a $10 sit-and-go.
What’s the point in playing perfect poker when this happens to you all the time? Just start moving all-in every hand (making sure auto-top-up is checked if you’re at the cash tables). This is best combined with some serious chat abuse as well so your opponents really know how you’re feeling.
5. It’s a conspiracy
‘It’s impossible to keep losing with the best hand at poker? I mean how can he push all-in with 7-2 and 8-3 and flop a full house twice?’ It’s obvious that the poker room is trying to diddle you out of your $1 rake so don’t let them get away with it. Head to the poker forums and let everyone know that you’re onto them. It’s best if you add a white lie to your post to convince people – something along the lines of, ‘Well I win on every other site I play on so it must be rigged.’ God will forgive you.
6. It’s the dealer’s fault
If you’re playing live you can’t blame the RNG but you can make yourself feel better by making someone else feel ten times worse. That bad beat would never have happened if the dealer hadn’t performed that exact shuffle deliberately. Let them know that they’re, quite possibly, the worst dealer you’ve had. Since the previous one who somehow contrived to let the player to your left crack your Aces earlier.
7. Alienate yourself from your friends
Yes, it was supposed to be a friendly home game. And yes, you’re only playing for low stakes with a few beers. But that was ridiculous. You were an 80% LOCK to win that preflop and hands like that never, ever hold for you, so what’s the point? Tell everyone that they’re no longer welcome, but make sure you don’t share your flat with someone who’s also in the game who might tell you to sit down and stop being stupid.
8. Tell everyone you meet
That last bad beat was so ridiculous, so absolutely mind-blowingly stupid that everyone you meet in the next few hours will want to hear all about it in great detail. That look on their face as you’re telling them? Yeah, ignore that…
9. Play to your strengths
Perhaps you’re cursed? After all, these bad beats only happen to you. Turn it to your advantage by offering your services to your local casino as a professional cooler, a la William Macy in the 2003 film The Cooler. We guarantee they will hear you out and offer you a generous salary with benefits.
10. Don’t read The Mental Game of Poker
The Mental Game of Poker is a popular strategy book designed to have you playing tilt-free poker within weeks. Make sure you don’t buy a copy from Amazon today.
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